It feels like another person is living inside of me. And it’s a constant battle trying to get the upper hand. I make a decision, but that other person makes me doubt it. I do something, but I’m made to feel bad about it. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I’ve dealt with this since I was in university. Much worse then. Now, I somehow know how to handle it.
When I discovered backpacking, it became my form of healing. With traveling, I developed a way to mask the anxiety within me and live life with it. The people I met didn’t know me so it was liberating just being myself. They weren’t going to be permanent in my life, so I let them know me. But I didn’t let them too in to find out the ugly.
It was perfect. I was single but I was happy. I was meeting incredible people, traveling and experiencing amazing things. And to be very honest, if I had intimacy needs, I would just easily ease it. I was perfectly content living my life like this. So content that when my parents would ask me questions about relationships or marriage, I would say it’s not for me.
It was safe being on my own.
But then unexpectedly, I fell in love. I let someone in inch by inch. I shared one personal thing about me — because it wouldn’t hurt letting a stranger know, she was only going to be a stranger. But then the look on her face as I told her about me — how she understood me and genuinely listened — I loved it so much that I decided to bare more. One by one I tore my walls down and I showed the real me.
But now, the other person in my head would tell me how that might have been such a big mistake.
The me, the real me, was genuinely happy about it, though. I discovered how amazing it is to love and be loved. How crazy and fun it is. And that things I did on my own for the longest time, it feels so good I can now share with someone. In this aspect of my life, I feel I won. But anxiety, like I said, won’t just let me have it. Something that I should have seen coming.
It’s a whole new thing to learn, managing my mental health when another person is involved. Before, it was just me. Now it’s become more difficult to handle as not only my feelings are on the line.
They only come in phases, but when they do, they hit hard. I overthink things. I sometimes become irrational. I listen to the voices in my head and act on them. It feels I’m sabotaging my own relationship when truly, I’ve never been so happy in my life that I’m doing my best not to lose it. Especially since I found someone who accepts and understands me for who I really am.
But sometimes I wonder too, how vast can one person’s understanding be? How long until my partner realizes it’s actually exhausting to be with me? To always go in circles or ups and downs? I’m afraid that if I don’t fix my issues, the bad will outweigh the good and I’ll lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.
In times like this, I think it was probably best to just be on my own. That until I figure myself out, I shouldn’t welcome another person in my life. But then I also feel this is something I should work on while in the situation I’m in. I have someone I can depend on, the good out of it is that it’s no longer just me. My partner has become my light and my strength. Even though I know I should be able to stand on my own and I do, it just feels good to have someone understanding, supporting and loving you. And besides, when not in phases like this, the good times are amazing. This is what I’m holding onto.
But I badly want to love and be loved without having a constant battle with fear and insecurity. I don’t want to feel scared experiencing highs because I know there will be equivalent lows. Lows that I already know too well. Lows that are already too exhausting for me. Lows that I still don’t know how to overcome. I don’t want this added baggage anymore in my relationship that my partner has to deal with too from time to time. I want to feel good about myself and feel good in love.
I’ve lived my life in the last years treating anxiety as if it’s a part of me. That it somehow defines me. But I don’t wish for anything else but to get rid of it. I wish for it to be gone before it further affects and ruins more aspects of my life.
For now, I am doing the best that I can. I know I am so much more than what this is. I am kind, compassionate, someone who has big dreams and don’t want anything else but to be happy. Contrary to what anxiety tells me and makes me out to be, I am not difficult to love at all. I love deeply and with all of my heart. And I believe that I deserve this too.
I don’t want to keep on living my life in fear because of my mental health disorder. It has controlled me long enough. This battle has already been exhausting but I still do intend to win. It’s going to be work — a lot of work — but I know once I come out of this, I’ll be much stronger than ever.
love and light,
(This is a raw post. So please excuse any grammatical errors.)